Funny Quotes

f1

You, the actor, must be aware of when you’re being funny, but the character you’re playing should always be oblivious of the fact.

-Jon Lovitz

f2

Winston Churchill was not entirely British. His mother was American, making Sir Winston part Iroquois Indian

-Rachel Blanchard

f11

Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.

f3

I hope everybody could get rich and famous and will have everything they ever dreamed of, so they will know that it’s not the answer.

-Jim Carrey

f5

I don’t want to be alone, I want to be left alone.

-Audrey Hepburn

f6

With great power comes great electricity bill.

f7

I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget what it is, the computer will say”your password is incorrect.”

f8

 

If porn is for stupid people, why is ‘amateur’ is so hard to spell?

-Will Noonan

f10

The “earth” without “art’ is just “eh.”

f9

One minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder those Sluts are so damn skinny.

f12

When I am single, all I see are couples being happy. When I’m dating someone, all I see are singles being happy.

f13

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.

-Bertrand Russell

f23

Nothing is impossible.

The word itself says I’m possible.

-Audrey Hepburn

f22

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.

-Oscar Wilde

f21

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?

-Captain Jack Sparrow

f20

A lot of stand-up guys, when they get a little famous, just give up their stand-up career, and it cancels out the thing that set them apart.

-Johnny Knoxville

f19

The two common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.

f17

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times. just to be sure.

f18

Life is not that complicated. You get up, you go to work, eat three meals, you take one good shit and you go back to bed.

-George Carlin

f15

You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.

-Dita Von Ceese

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